Managing Milestones
It’s been a long while since I’ve written a blog post, but after the experience of this last week I felt compelled to write again. It’s been the strangest of weeks. In many ways it’s been magical, special, celebratory … and yet in amongst the magic, some old feelings that I thought I’d moved past, have popped up again. I should have known. I work all the time with loss, and I know you can never completely leave it behind. I was mildly prepared for the week to feel a bit emotional, but the timing and strength of that emotional impact took me by surprise.
The week was a full one with a lot of work stuff going on (I think this is relevant as with hindsight I took on too much) but the middle of the week was Harry’s graduation. As any parent will tell you, it’s a moment of great pride watching your child receive their degree and being celebrated for all their hard work. Harry was fortunate to have both sides of the family there, something for which I’m very grateful. Nevertheless, it’s hard to shake off the fact that it was another milestone without Matt. A fact which I logically acknowledged but emotionally knocked me back more than I’d anticipated.
On the day I was wholeheartedly immersed in the present moment, celebrating with family over lunch and drinks, arriving at the event, collecting gowns, photos being taken, the ceremony itself and then more drinks with Harry’s friends in the Student Union bar. It was an enormously fun day and one of the best parts as a parent was witnessing Harry enjoy himself so much. Some great memories made, and I returned home that evening feeling all the positivity from the day.
The more painful emotions hit me a day later ... and they hit me pretty hard. It’s no exaggeration to say I felt physically and emotionally exhausted. And this was the bit that took me by surprise. Why the next day rather than the day itself? There was me thinking I’d got through the day rather well … and then that sneaky grief crept up and slapped me hard around the face! With hindsight I think a combination of the busyness of the day plus being focused on Harry and the family led to me not having space to ‘feel’ anything other than the joy of the day. That’s ok, nothing wrong with that but on reflection there was no time to acknowledge that this moment brought the past crashing into the present, and that the absence of Matt was obviously significant. This was our son and he wasn’t there to witness Harry’s achievement. There’s something so bittersweet about feeling such pride and joy whilst simultaneously knowing the person you most want to be there to share the joy is no longer here.
I hope through sharing these reflections I can support you (and myself next time!) to consider what you need at significant milestone moments. These are some of the things to maybe consider when a milestone is upcoming:
- Think about who you can include in marking the milestone. Are there friends or family who can get the balance between celebrating with you but also supporting you with the potential poignancy of the occasion?
- Give yourself some emotional and physical space around the event, by which I mean think about how busy you are in the build up before and the comedown after. This is a biggie for me next time! With hindsight I fitted in too much with too many people both before and afterwards, which left me feeling really depleted.
- Maybe try to find a small amount of time just you and your child to celebrate the milestone together. I had one brief 5 min moment with Harry on the day that makes me smile ... the moment he turned to me after the ceremony and said, “Come on mum, I’m going to buy you a snakebite and black at the SU bar.” That was the only 5 minutes of the day when it was just the two of us walking to the bar, him explaining what a snakebite was (like his generation invented it!!) and it felt special 😊
- Remember your child doesn’t see the world as you do. They have their own lens through which they’re experiencing the milestone. My view of Harry’s graduation is different to his as I’m viewing it through a solo parent lens. He’s viewing it through the experience of a bereaved child and there are differences in this. Depending on the age of your child you may want to discuss this with them.
- Consider whether you want to mark the absence of your loved one in some way. We didn’t this week; but at Harry’s 21st party in January I did include Matt as part of my speech. I’d asked Harry about this, and he wanted his dad to be mentioned and remembered at this significant milestone.
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As always on my blogs I like to leave you with something to think about 😊Stilling the mind even for a few moments can bring new insights which can lead you to take new actions … enabling you to move forward into new beginnings. So, find 10 minutes in your day to take a deep breath, get the mind quiet and see what emerges from the following questions:
· What do you consider as milestones? Whilst there are some obvious ones, there may be some personal one’s for you too
· Who in your support network can help you before, during and after the event?
· Is there something you particularly want to do, or your child wants to do, to mark the milestone? Do you want to make reference to your loved one in some way?